I am not sure why I am writing this blog. Well actually, I am sure. I am writing it because I was up for over an hour with the never ceasing impression to "write this down," pouring through my mind last night. I was feeling so sick, I told Heavenly Father, "Ok, ok, I can't possibly get out of bed now to do it, I will do it tomorrow." So that is why I am doing it. I just am not sure if it is just crazy, if it is just supposed to be for me, if I am supposed to share it, if it might help somebody, if people will think I am weird and a host of other questions/doubts. Nonetheless, I can type far faster than I can write and I seriously do want to record as many details as I possibly can and I know that this is a much better record than my journal will ever be and so for now that is my reason and if I find out later on that there was some other reason well then I guess that will be ok too.
In the past year, at least 3 distinct times (and maybe more), I have had the strong impression come to me that I was going to lose part of my family members (Greg and some of the kids) at some point. Of course, as you can imagine, I didn't like it, so my first reaction of course was to brush it off, tell myself I was crazy and swear to never think about that again. That was the first time. The second time was more emotional. I cried (I was alone of course and it was really quite). I felt anger and really strong sadness. On that occasion I was feeling sorry for myself because I felt like I was always doing things for other people-trying to serve, praying to be an answer to someone else's prayer, trying to be a friend and be kind, and yet I didn't feel like there was anyone there to be an answer to my prayers. I was feeling frustrated at why was I always doing things but yet I felt like there was no one there for me. I got the impression that I was going to need the service of others, and that much would come my way because of the things I had and was trying to do for others, because there would be a tragedy and I would be in need of the service. That was weird-to be honest. I wasn't sure what to feel. But I felt sad and worried. I told Greg later what I had felt about being in need of the service of others because of a tragedy and that I felt like I was going to lose him and I made him promise to never leave me. It tugged at my heart immensely but after a few days I felt pretty normal again and kinda put that thought away and went on.
Well just recently it happened again. Again I was alone in the house and it was quiet and the impression came-very strong. If this doesn't sound totally crazy, it felt like it was my dad delivering the message. This time it was more detailed than before. The feeling came that I would lose Greg, Brailie and Treyson in an accident. I was preparing dinner and doing little tasks all around the kitchen but the more I thought about it, the more overcome I was. The tears just flowed. I saw myself (after the accident) overcome with sadness and emotion and wanting to shut everyone out and not knowing what to do. As I swept my floor and had all these feelings racing through my mind I told Heavenly Father that I didn't want to think about this, that I was just being crazy, that it wasn't really going to happen, that I was weird, I tried really hard to just brush it far, far away. The feeling just lingered. That night as I was getting ready for bed Brailie cried for me in her room. She couldn't find her blanket and her drink. I helped her get everything arranged in her bed. She asked me to stay for a minute by her and I did. And I looked at her sweet face and got the feeling, "you're going to miss this." And I realized that something was happening to my heart. I said my evening prayers and prayed that the feeling, the impression (about the accident) would go away, that I wouldn't think about it any more and certainly that it wouldn't happen, but in almost the same breath, I also thanked Heavenly Father for how it was making me feel-like for the first time I was looking at things as if they could be my last and as scary and sad as that was, how beautiful it as at the same time. If that makes sense. I laid in bed with Greg and told him that it had happened again (the impression about losing him). I just bawled. I begged him not to leave. I hung onto his arm until I was so stinkin hot I could hardly breath, but I just felt like I wanted to make sure he was going to stay right there. In the days since, I have prayed that the feeling of "you're not going to want to miss this" or "you are going to miss this" would keep coming. And then the feeling, "write it down" came and so here I am. I am writing this down because I feel a real change in my heart-not like a, "all of a sudden I have become the perfect mom who sees things only in marshmallows and lollipops and fairy tales" type thing. Because I certainly have not become any more perfect because of this, but my heart has changed. The way I am looking at my kids has changed. The way I am viewing the mundane has changed. And I don't ever want it to go back to the way it was. Because what if it really was the last time I had to find Brailie her blanket, or change a poopy diaper, or brush out tangled hair, or a hundred million other things? What if I only had one more day? Maybe the impression is nothing-maybe I am totally weird. Maybe it won't happen at all (in fact I pray it never does happen), maybe it is all just to help to change my heart. What ever the reason-the impression really has come, and this time, my heart really does feel different and I really don't want to miss out on what is going on, just in case.
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